I'm sure we all go through it. First you get quizzed about when you are going to settle down and get married. Then, when you get married, everyone wants to know if you are going to start having children right away. After you have your first child, they want to know when the next is coming....Hold the breaks! What is the rush?
Needless to say, when to start a family and how many children to have are very personal and serious decisions that are only for you and your partner to decide. I don't want to feel pressured to have more children before I'm ready, and I won't. There are so many factors to having children, and I don't feel ready for another yet. I want to enjoy little man more, spend lots of time with just him, and the truth is, we don't have a big enough home yet for lots of children yet. My mom hopes we don't have another anyway (she feels if you have a son, you don't need any more; if we had had a girl, then she'd understand us wanting to try again).
Really important factors to think about when you decide to start having children/want to have more children (that other people don't need to know the details about):
♥ Money- how many can we afford to have? We want to send our children to private school, and we want to help them with college one day. I doubt we can do that if we have too many. We'd like three at the most, and two would be great with us.
♥ As I already mentioned, room- we can't all live in a one bedroom condo! Until we move, we just can't have anymore, and because we have little man, we really want to move soon anyway. Our poor little guy (and us) will be miserable in a few years in our little place.
♥ Safety- I worry about little man so much. I often worry if I have too many children, I can't keep an eye on them all. I want as many as I can take great care of, and not a single one more. I would not be able to sleep with worry if I couldn't give each child a lot of attention, focus, and security.
♥ Time- little man takes so much of my time. I can have another child, but if I were to have three, four children...I don't think I could find time to get everything done. I like to be very hands on, don't have babysitters or use childcare (I can't believe how tiring it is, but I am still happy I'm doing it) and I don't want to neglect other things because I have so many children, especially once they start to take lessons, join clubs, etc and I'm the chauffer. How many children can I chauffer around? I'd say two or three at the most.
♥ The importance of siblings- I really could not have an only child. One day I'll be gone, and all my children will have for family (aside from their own children one day, and spouses, but you know what I mean) are their siblings. Cousins are often distant, but siblings tend to have a bond, even when they drive eachother nuts growing up. I'd like little man to have someone to drive nuts and love in his life, a little brother or sister.
♥ I'm in my early 30's, and don't plan to have my next child for another two years. After that, it becomes riskier to have more children. If I happen to have more, I'll adore them, but it won't be something planned, because this is something important to consider. If I had started having a family earlier, maybe I would have a different view on a larger family for myself.
♥ Love- We are a loving family, my husband and I love kids, and we want to share the love, so one is tooooo little! We want two or three children so we can raise them to be wonderful human beings, assets to society, and loving, good people. We want to give and raise children to love and do for as they grow up. A self-focused life is kind of crummy, we need others to live for, so because our hearts are full of love, we'd like at least two children to adore and provide for and give to.
The norm these days is two children. Families used to be larger, but as society changed, so has the trend. I love seeing very large families, but I'm not sure I'm talented enough to manage that!
Needless to say, when to start a family and how many children to have are very personal and serious decisions that are only for you and your partner to decide. I don't want to feel pressured to have more children before I'm ready, and I won't. There are so many factors to having children, and I don't feel ready for another yet. I want to enjoy little man more, spend lots of time with just him, and the truth is, we don't have a big enough home yet for lots of children yet. My mom hopes we don't have another anyway (she feels if you have a son, you don't need any more; if we had had a girl, then she'd understand us wanting to try again).
Really important factors to think about when you decide to start having children/want to have more children (that other people don't need to know the details about):
♥ Money- how many can we afford to have? We want to send our children to private school, and we want to help them with college one day. I doubt we can do that if we have too many. We'd like three at the most, and two would be great with us.
♥ As I already mentioned, room- we can't all live in a one bedroom condo! Until we move, we just can't have anymore, and because we have little man, we really want to move soon anyway. Our poor little guy (and us) will be miserable in a few years in our little place.
♥ Safety- I worry about little man so much. I often worry if I have too many children, I can't keep an eye on them all. I want as many as I can take great care of, and not a single one more. I would not be able to sleep with worry if I couldn't give each child a lot of attention, focus, and security.
♥ Time- little man takes so much of my time. I can have another child, but if I were to have three, four children...I don't think I could find time to get everything done. I like to be very hands on, don't have babysitters or use childcare (I can't believe how tiring it is, but I am still happy I'm doing it) and I don't want to neglect other things because I have so many children, especially once they start to take lessons, join clubs, etc and I'm the chauffer. How many children can I chauffer around? I'd say two or three at the most.
♥ The importance of siblings- I really could not have an only child. One day I'll be gone, and all my children will have for family (aside from their own children one day, and spouses, but you know what I mean) are their siblings. Cousins are often distant, but siblings tend to have a bond, even when they drive eachother nuts growing up. I'd like little man to have someone to drive nuts and love in his life, a little brother or sister.
♥ I'm in my early 30's, and don't plan to have my next child for another two years. After that, it becomes riskier to have more children. If I happen to have more, I'll adore them, but it won't be something planned, because this is something important to consider. If I had started having a family earlier, maybe I would have a different view on a larger family for myself.
♥ Love- We are a loving family, my husband and I love kids, and we want to share the love, so one is tooooo little! We want two or three children so we can raise them to be wonderful human beings, assets to society, and loving, good people. We want to give and raise children to love and do for as they grow up. A self-focused life is kind of crummy, we need others to live for, so because our hearts are full of love, we'd like at least two children to adore and provide for and give to.
The norm these days is two children. Families used to be larger, but as society changed, so has the trend. I love seeing very large families, but I'm not sure I'm talented enough to manage that!
People are curious, but they can be rude too. Some are not. I'm pregnant with our third so I've heard some nasty comments. Makes me want to tell them that my family size is between GOD and my husband and I and I really don't care if some stranger in the grocery store thinks I need sex-ed or takes it upon themself to inform me I should get fixed or that I'm mentally deficient for having more than 1 or 2. Some people think everything is their business. When I only had 1 child, I think people asked if we're having anymore or done merely out of curiousity. When I had 2 (before getting pregnant again) nobody even bothered to ask. I got the rude assumption stated all the time that since we had 'one of each' that we were done. "Oh you're so LUCKY you got one of each on the first try! Now you have the perfect little family!" It can be just as rude to assume as to make nasty remarks. I know they probably didn't MEAN to be rude but really... We're not COLLECTING 'one of each' so we have the whole set! LOL! Seriously, they are CHILDREN not collectibles! It would be fine if we had 6 girls and a boy or 3 boys and no girls or just 1 girl... They would be our babies and we'd love them. But I've heard from friends who have had 2 of the same gender that they get a variety of comments from 'what a shame' it is that they didn't have one of the other gender (as if they would secretly like to trade poor son #2 in for a girl instead?!) or that they'd better 'try again just one more time...' to get that other gender as if a) it is only acceptable to try for #3 if #2 doesn't complete your one-of-each collictible gender set, and that if you screw up on #3 you don't get another chance. Yikes! Kinda messed up we live in a society that thinks like that, isn't it? How many kids you have is between God and you and your hubby. Right now the askers are likely just curious, but perhaps some are not, and upon arriving home from an outing where a particularly nasty comment was aired it can be hard to put it out of your mind, but just remember it's none of their business and if they are so miserable with how their reproductive years went that they think it's now their right to butt into yours then they have issues and aren't the kind of people we want family planning advice from. ;) I try to just assume they meant well but don't know any better.
ReplyDeleteI think it's sad your mom doesn't value daughters! At least not as much as sons. Daughters are an amazing blessing! I feel so blessed to be carrying another daughter! I felt so blessed when I was carrying my son too. Boys and girls are so different but they're like chocolate and whipped cream; so different but both sweet and special and go together niceley! ;)
Babies and toddlers do take an intense amount of time and energy. As you're seeing every day of motherhood though they do grow up too fast! Learning to share and take care of each other young will build comeraderie that will last forever. Just remember that if Little Man is 4 when your next baby is born he'll really enjoy helping you with your daily chores while the baby is napping. Adding 1 child to a family with no kids is hard! Adding a second is harder! After that, I'm told it actually gets easier with each one. :) I'll tell you in a few week if "they" were right! LOL!!!
I agree with you, it's not about a self-focused life and I don't want to raise my kids that way. I wanted (well, still want, but you know...) kids to love and spend my time and energies on, and I want my kids to have siblings to learn how to get along with and show love to as well so they grow up knowing life is sweeter when you realize it's not about "me me me" it's about showing God's love to others. If they can show God's love to their siblings who know how to annoy them most, they can probably handle just about anyone... LOL!
I have just JDaniel. Having him at 43 prevented me from having to answer all these questions.
ReplyDeleteI don't think it is talent so much in raising a big family as it is a Dad that gets just as involved as the mom, and also having the older children buddy up with watching certain younger ones in the family each and everyday. Is that fair to the older children having to be responsible for a younger siblings, yes and no.
ReplyDeleteYes they gain maturity that way, no in some respects it limits them being able to do all the things they want to do as a child.
My mom had five children. She was a brownie leader, a cub scout leader, a Sunday School teacher, a nursery worker at church too, she made the costumes or uniforms we needed at school functions, as well as most all of the clothes the girls in the family wore, she did buy my brother's clothes. She also took us kids with her when she cleaned a neighbor woman's home around the block. That woman had a form of muscular dystrophy and my mom cleaned that family's home every week and did their ironing.
My mom did a great deal of the yard work too, until us children were old enough to take most of it on. We were all given chores and we did them. So mom delegated a lot.
I think each person should only have as many children as they and their spouse have decided on, but larger families can be done in this day and age too.
Lfh, those are good points. I always thought it was unfair to older children to have to take care of younger children, but then again, they are natural playmates (I don't know that it's important to socialize with OTHER people's kids, as long as there is socialization, kids will be happy).
ReplyDeleteFive kids is a lot, but your mom sounded like a real trooper. If I could find a job where I could take my son along, I soooo would!
JD's mom, you had him at 43? I didn't realize that! You were blessed late, but blessed nonetheless, because it's the greatest thing :)
ReplyDeleteMM, I can't believe those rude comments! People really should mind their own business. I'm in awe that they presume to have the right to tell you how many to have. Then again, I'm shocked people tell me (since I have a son) that I don't need to have anymore if I don't want to.
ReplyDeleteHuh? What planet am I living on, lol!