One of the most basic human needs is to feel accepted as you are. Even a small baby can sense when it is accepted or not. A man's greatest need is for his wife to accept him for who he is. It is not our job to change another person into who we think they should be. We are responsible for who we are, and should let others be who they are.
Everyone has their flaws and their good points. If we focus on someone's flaws, they appeared magnified to us. In the same way, if we focus on their virtues, and ignore their weaknesses, then those things will be magnified to us when we look at them. Wouldn't we rather others notice what we do that is good, and overlook our mistakes?
If you are single, do not continue a relationship with a man that greatly disappoints you. If there are things about him you just can't accept in a future husband, end your relationship. You can't change a man, and should not try to. Another woman will love him as he is, and you should find a man you can accept as he is today, with no changes. Otherwise you will both be doomed to an unhappy marriage, with you chronically feeling disappointed in your husband, and him feeling unable to satisfy you, and resentful that he isn't appreciated for the good things he does, and for his efforts to make you happy.
This applies to anyone...when you try to change someone, it changes their feelings toward you. They become resentful, look for ways to avoid you, and even start to notice your flaws more. No one wants to be around someone that makes them feel bad about themselves. Who would not prefer to be around a friend or mate that makes you feel accepted as you are, and understood, and loved for you really are?
When you try to change someone else, it indicates you feel superior, and shows you clearly do not have a correct image of yourself. We all have flaws, and self-righteousness is one of them if you think you have a right to criticize others instead of focusing on self-improvement. Just because someone has different flaws that you do does not mean that their flaws are worse.
Wouldn't it be better for a woman with a husband and children to love them, flaws and all, so that they seek her out for her love and warmth, rather than fear her reproach and pointed looks, if they make a mistake? Don't you want your family to be able to turn to you when they need you? If you accept them despite their errors, because you let them know that you know underneath it they were trying and had good intentions, they will always come to you.
When a man tries to please his woman and fails, if she appreciates his efforts, it will encourage him to try again in the future. If she blames him ("Oh, Steve, I'm not surprised you didn't get the tickets in time, you always screw up when it's something that I want to do!") he will not be motivated to try again.
With this all being said, it is certainly alright, and even expected, for a woman to *inspire* her husband to improve himself. To inspire a man does not mean to nag him, to threaten him, to order him, to say things under her breath, to roll her eyes, or to use other men as examples of what he should be doing. The best way for a woman to inspire a man is to 1. be an example, 2. accept him as he is, so that he desires to please her, and 3. show great support and approval when he does something she appreciates, so that he knows what pleases her and wants to do it again. If he does something she is not fond of, she should ignore it, because to give attention to it may cause him to do it again in the future when he wants attention from her. Only pay attention to what you like...this is called positive reinforcement, and it is much more effective than negative reinforcement.
For example, if your husband tickles you and you do not enjoy it, but make a big fuss over it, he will tickle you again next time you are preoccupied and not paying attention to him, because he knows you will fuss at him as a result, even in a negative way. Better to happily fuss over him bringing you flowers so that when he wants your attention, he knows to surprise you with flowers or something you like.
A man wants to be a better man for the woman he loves, and if she loves him, appreciates his efforts, accepts him for the man he is, and admires him, he will be inspired to be the best man he can be for her, and do all he can for her. Remember this when he tries to please you. Appreciate all that he does, big and small, and focus on his good points.
***note: this does not apply to anyone who majorly offends you. do not associate with people who abuse you, disrespect you, repeatedly lie to you or try to hurt you. we are not required to accept abuse, but i would not recommend you try to change these people either. something is wrong with them that they would choose to abuse or mistreat others, so avoid them entirely. do not accept a husband that is abusive or adulterous or has active addictions either, as these are major offenses.***
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